The Beer Wench Gets Clean

Let’s face it: the life of a Beer Wench can be exhausting. To make it to every event, tasting, date and work shift all while attempting to write can take a lot out of you. And all those tasty beers? Yeah, they can take a lot out of you, too. So a few weeks ago I decided to take a week off and be nice to my liver, for a change.

Before deciding exactly how to approach cleansing, I emailed my cousin Brooke, a Naturopathic Doctor in California. I also spoke with the awesome ladies at Fresh Start Market on 23rd ave and did a little Internet research. Brooke wrote me back a basic week long liver detox outline, which, to me, just seemed like a long list of “no’s”. Not that I was surprised, the Internet had told me the same thing. She also sent me a list of supplements to take and recommended going for massage and bodywork—like I needed an excuse to make an appointment for a deep tissue massage at Blossom.

The list of “No’s”
NO ALCOHOL
No caffeine
No nicotine
No sugar
No corn
No dairy
No gluten
No wheat
No soy

I should mention that in my quest to cleanse I had tried to enlist several partners in crime, both my coworkers seemed really excited and into it—until Day 1 rolled around and I caught one with a cigarette and the other with a margarita. My boyfriend was the only one who stuck it out with me, even though he admittedly cheated and scarfed a string cheese on Day 3.

But Wench what the hell did you eat? Brooke said it was important to follow an organic diet during the cleanse: all organic produce and lean organic/wild caught protein. Green tea was also ok, as the caffeine existing in the tea is miniscule and also may help the major coffee-withdrawal headaches I was experiencing. Sugar was a “no” but Grade B Dark Amber Maple Syrup was ok. Let’s just say I read a lot of labels. I am amazed how many products contain one of the “no’s”. Hummus with soy oil, hot sauce with sugar, and corn—corn is in freaking everything!! Even though everything at work is organic, my staff meal became even more limited because we have no fish and most vegetarian options contain dairy or corn tortillas—which are gluten free but also on the “no” list. Sigh.

Day 1

I woke up with a massive hangover due to celebrating my girlfriend Angie’s birthday a tad too hard after the Vegetarian Nonsense Beer Pairing Dinner at Jimmy’s No. 43. All I wanted was a coffee. And a pizza. And a lobotomy. Having to serve people beer and make espresso almost killed me.

Day 2

On my way to Hardcore Pilates in Union Square without my usual morning coffee, I almost lost my shit. I remembered Brooke saying that green tea was ok so, in a last ditch effort, I ran, twitching, into the nearest teahouse.
“And how can I help you?” the overly friendly barista asked.
“Iced green tea please.” subtext: make it fast before someone loses an eye.
“Sweet?”
“No.”
“Do you have a rewards card?”
“NO.”
“What’s the opposite of yes?” He smiled, smugly unaware that I was plotting his death.
“No.” Was this guy for real? Did he escape from Disney?
“Someone get some butter because you’re on a ROLL!”
Thankfully the tea girl called my name before things got ugly.

Dinner from Union Square Greenmarket: fajita style zucchini and peppers on a sautéed Portobello cap with homemade pico de gallo

Day 3

I tried to convince my roommate to jump on the cleanse wagon—he popped another Bluepoint and said he’d think about it. That morning he had also made coffee, and forgotten to turn off the pot when he left for work. I cleaned it up, silently cursing his coffee drinking, beer guzzling freedom. I’d been doing eggs and vegetables cooked in coconut oil for breakfast, salads for lunch, possibly a vegetable juice as a snack, and salads and hummus for dinner.

I integrated as many raw foods as I could into my diet and quite possibly made a serious dent in the avocado crop. In lieu of coffee I was chugging dandelion root or milk thistle tea—both herbs are liver purifiers—in addition to my iced green teas that I was making (I refused to take any more chances on chipper counter folk). I also tried to add in a lot of beets, which are also liver purifiers.

I got to watch my coworkers sample new beers in front of me, and yes, they dramatically rubbed it in while I sipped my dandelion tea.

Day 4

Day 4 of the cleanse was also the first day of the Astoria Art Festival and my job just so happened to be hosting the after-party. Not only did I get to serve beer and cocktails to random customers but now I was also surrounded by all of my friends involved in the festival—and they’d been drinking all night. Oh temptation! On the upside, every single friend who hugged me commented on how great I looked. Apparently, my skin was glowing! After work I checked it out in the mirror and had to admit, they had a point. The lack of sugar, wheat, and late nights had eradicated my under eye circles and made my face look brighter.


Day 5

The true test of will power: working a brunch shift with no coffee and no post-brunch shift drink. My pre-brunch breakfast pre-cleanse used to consist of a Greek yogurt with honey so I had had to do a little searching for something quick and filling that fit the rules. I picked up a Chia Pod made with Chia seeds, coconut milk, and bananas. It was $4 and it tasted like shit.

After making it through brunch my man and I decided we were brave enough to eat out and still avoid temptation. Thankfully Fatty’s Café makes the amazing 300 Salmon Meal: grilled salmon with zucchini, yellow squash, chimichuri, and avocado. We threw in a side of black beans and hot sauce (after reading each hot sauce label to make sure it didn’t contain sugar). Dinner was amazing and completely satisfying, but the second we got home my dude wanted desert. Since his usual go-to of ice cream and chocolate was out, I grabbed a Granny Smith. After slicing the apple, I sautéed it in coconut oil, cinnamon, ginger, and a pinch of sea salt before tossing the slices in Grade B Dark Amber Maple Syrup. The result tasted like apple pie filling!

There is no photo of aforementioned dessert, as it did not last long enough.

Day 6

We woke up on Sunday wishing we could go day drink over brunch—instead I made eggs with sautéed vegetables and a pot of tea while he made an appointment for a couple’s massage. An hour long deep tissue massage at Blossom left the two of us completely relaxed and starving; thankfully, Bare Burger makes great salads and was on the way home. Later that night, we guzzled club soda at a going away party at Sweet Afton while our friends swilled beers and pounded shots. Trying to maintain conversations with our friends as they reached inebriation became more and more trying so we excused ourselves to take a walk. We managed to enjoy a kale salad at Mar’s without imbibing any Flying Dog Oyster Stout or Fire Island Sea Salt Ale, no easy feat considering they are two of my favorites.

Day 7

I had an appointment with my chiropractor in the afternoon and was pleasantly surprised that, not only was my alignment great, but the inflammation caused by an injury sustained to my tailbone a few weeks prior had gone down. My chiro said that cutting sugar helps reduce inflammation, which could explain why my muscles were feeling so much stronger.
Since it was our last night, I decided to make dinner. I bought salmon at Whole Foods on my way back to Astoria and then picked up rainbow chard and a butternut squash at Greenbay Organic Market on Broadway. We also decided to toast the end of our week off with a Pinot Noir, which, after one glass, left me feeling a little buzzed. I marinated the salmon with cilantro, hot peppers, paprika, cumin, lemon, turmeric, garlic and salt before pan searing it. I sautéed the chard with fresh squeezed lemon juice and garlic and baked the squash with freshly grated ginger and fresh orange juice. My spin on Moroccan spiced salmon was so successful that I’m pretty sure my boyfriend inhaled it. After his plate was clean he began eyeballing mine.

So we made it a whole week. I missed coffee. I missed beer. I learned that dandelion and milk thistle capsules are (a) available at health food stores and (b) awesome for your liver when you’re drinking—seriously, these things help assuage a hangover like whoa. I also got a chance to hone my cooking skills and get creative in the kitchen. I won’t be trading in my beer, coffee, or cocktails for good but taking time off every now and then isn’t as hard as I initially thought. Sure the first few days royally sucked, but after the caffeine withdrawal faded and I stopped dreaming of beer, I actually felt pretty great! I even lost two pounds! It was a huge bonus that my bar tapped a keg of Allagash Curieux the week after my cleanse and yes, it was freaking delicious.